Dubious magical items.

I sometimes wonder why a wizard hasn’t started to create magical items to fit into much needed gaps in the market, so here it is, the Definitive list (definitive meaning until I run out of ideas for posts and have to do part II) list of Dubious magical Items, opening a chest will never be the same again:-


Sword of Brake dancing:- A well crafted weapon that gives no combat bonus, how ever as soon as it is drawn funky 80’s music starts to play and everyone must roll vs. will to avoid body popping.

Muppet slayer:- A wet fish used to banish annoying party members to the void

Bow Of Straightness:- item made Elvin men, any elf holding the bow of straightness exudes a aura of manliness, not limp wrested a-sexuality

Coffee of wakening:- A small flask containg coffee brewed from the blood of dragons and distilled over century’s, can be used to animate any no living creature, including rocks, and acts as a haste spell (at 100 times the effect) on the recipient

Whip of kinkiness:- forces a will save in all male party members when wielded by a female cleric if the will save is failed the target is feebleminded

Sword of Phallic compensation:- this dose +3 Freudian damage vs. insecure male opponents

Mace of protection:- a small canister containing pepper spray, invaluable for bad neighbourhoods in urban settings

Mushrooms Of The Magi:- automatic feblemined effect on whoever eats them, but hey, you don’t give a stuff….just look at the colours man

Well you expect to find these items in a treasure chest some time soon after never.

D&D E4

Okay guys, here it is....

For real wizards of the coast are going, once again, totally shaft role-players by making them totally update there rules system. The vids below for there whiny ass butt munching excuses for trying to con a minimum of £60 (£20 a book) from every D&D player in the world.

For fuck sake its almost like they still think there making Magic the Gathering where they could get away with totally scrapping everything after a while.

To be honest with you guys this kind of thing really ticks me off, I know at the end of the day that the business of roleplaying is still basically a business but still, the nearest analogy I can think of is if they kept realising new versions of Cluedo or monopoly (yes I know they do, but they don’t change the rules, just make it prettier) .

Now personally I have never forgiven them for scarping 2nd ed, having built up £1500-£2000 worth of books only to be told that they where now all worthless kinda bites ya know.

Any how, read the buzz ( http://dnd4.com/?page_id=33 ) and let me know what you think, but for the recorded I WILL NOT be buying into edition 4.

***ADENDUM***

I'll have to post the Vids when i get home, the firewall wizard said 'you shall not pass!'

10 signs your DM has lost the plot

Let's face it, being a DM is no bed of roses, there's roleplays for one thing. if your going to tentatively put forward a tenuous semi-plagiarised plot then the last audience you want to do that to is a bunch of obsessive, reclusive, bookish geeks....in other words your players.

But on the other hand, sometimes DM's aren’t much fun either. here are the 10 signs that your DM is officially away with the dryads, and not in a good way.

10. He starts to refer to you (as a person) by your characters name. even clameing that you should pay for the pizza as you have at least 300 gold.

09. He try’s to get into character by dressing as the NPC's.... all at the same time.

08. He can recite lord of the rings verbatim, work out the maths for a full scale war where every combatant has different feats and makes more notes than a reporter discovering that David Beckham is really gay..... but he can no longer tie he's own shoe laces.

07. He Bases he’s choice of mate on how much they look like 'gold moon' from the dragonlance saga.

06. he has every D&D and GURPs source book going back to first edition, enough dice to make a monument to roleplaying, and yet can only afford to live on toast

05. He has tried to assassinate Gary Gigax (for those of you who don’t know:- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary_Gygax ) to absorb he's ultimate geek power

04. He can speak Klingon, Elfish and Ork.... and lists them on he's CV

03. He has a loathing for players who deviate from the plot that most people reserve only for Nazis

02. He reads this list and doesn’t think any of them have been unreasonable

01. He gets into a fight and has the snot knocked out of him because he was trying to roll to hit.

...oh by the way, anyone pointing out that I missed the one about the DM creating a blog of the game and general role play humour is free to spend a hour with the Pain Monsters (aka Rebekah with a bokken and Sarah with PMS)

Random Encounters.

Lets face it, there not that random really are they? Have you looked at a 'random' encounter table lately? 1d6 goblins with short swords? what’s random about that? Now here’s what I call random encounter table.

Roll d100
01-05 Cigarette Butt Gollum
06-10 visible invisible stalker (just a wired bloke who follows you around)
11-15 Gay Bugbares
16-20 Disco Dancing zombies
21 Steam-punk geese
22-23 Swashbuckling orcs
24-25 Maths Teacher (rabid)
26 Lazy dragon (breath weapon Doritos halitosis)
27-28 Clowns with crossbows
29-30 Atheist Priests
31-32 Hackneyed plot devise (wandering traveller, burnt out coach ect ect)
33-36 talking, martini swilling dog with a sociopath baby
37-40 Ninja Squirrels on Prozac
41-45 Redneck (wildness only, accompanied by a bard with a banjo and a pig......)
46-50 Beholder with ADHD
51-55 A Party of elf’s with CLEARLY DEFINDEND genders, who don’t mention the word 'forest' once in conversation
56 A guy who takes no interest whatsoever in the party at all
57-60 Wandering shrubbery salesman
61-63 stoner looking for a Mars Bar
64-65 Mountain dew elemental
66-67 A leper with boundary issues
68-70 Rabid Care bare
71-75 Mr Hanky (the Christmas poo)
76-80 Cthlulu. no really THE cuthlulu
81-85 Ear wax Gollum
86 Rob Zombie and Pin head from hellraiser playing snap with a deck of many things
87-90 30th level teenage hormonal wizard
91-93 Banshee on PMS
94-96A dwarf WITHOUT a Scottish accent, or an axe
97-98 A REALLY fat Halfling called Pipi De Thudd
99 A berserker With the symbol of insanity tattooed on he’s forehead
100 David hasslhoff

Mopping up and collecting booty

Second session

Quote of the game:-

"There kobolds, I can't see them going down the bank"

Dranos

The game started with the PC's healing themselves after the pitched battle with the Kobo’s they found that the chefden had a very gruesome looking mace. It's head piece was shaped like a human skull and it looked like a very heavily used. (see pick)
Deciding that a mace shaped like a human skull couldn’t be a good thing, Lavinia decided to take it along since it might 'fall into the wrong hands'. no sooner had she said that than Cal picked it up. after nearly smashing he’s own thigh bone on it he stowed it in he’s pack.

The PC's alerted the Town guard to the bodies that where buried on the out skirts of shadowdale and the captain of the guard (grudgingly) accepted that they probably didn’t have anything to do with the greasily scene.

Mean while it seems that there’s trouble brewing at the old skull in, there flat out of ale and with Brother Anton of the temple of chantie having disappeared with the last order the PCs where asked to try and find out what happened to him, and of course the beer.

Armor plated bra

It has taken many hours of arduous searching through some of the seediest sites that the web has to offer, honestly guys there’s a LOT of porn out there, but hey.... its a hard job but someone got to do it and I’m willing to take that bullet for you guys.... just the kind of DM I am.

Anyhow, here it is, as voted for by you, the hormonal, repressed geeky horny sods who voted for less is more in the poll on women’s armour...

the chain mail bikini!!!

oh as a addendum to this Sarah’s first comment was, well..... okay her second was 'mind you a chain mail bikini probably isn’t all that commutable'..... Some people just don’t get it.

Thats it! I'm killing off the PCs!

.....personal computers that is. ;)

Okay guys I know that I haven’t updated the blog with the latest game notes, this is due to my home PC currently having the computational power of a rubber duck. the short answer is the power supply has fried the motherboard, witch in turn has fired the USB controller, with the USB controller out of the way it has started to attack the BIOS and the RAM. In short its dead.
well never mind, look what I’m getting at the week end....
I’ll spear you the details (suffice to say it's pretty damn beefy), but its looking good.

Also found this set of software, I’ll more than likely be getting it for the game http://www.profantasy.com/.

WoW, comic..... its like porn for geeks

Found this while looking at random sites for some background info, thought at least two thirds of the group would be interested:- http://multiplayerblog.mtv.com/2007/11/09/exclusive-read-world-of-warcraft-issue-0-right-here/ Also in 'aunt it just so frisking cool' news I found this:- http://www.dragonlance-movie.com/movie/ that’s right guys, there making a movie about that fine old cannon 'the dragons of autumn twilight' finally a D&ED movie that DOSNT SUCK!, can't wait... sure its gonna be animated but....frankly damn! It will have Kiefer Sutherland (aka 'Jackie 2 guns, or that dude from flat liners who is in 24) as the voice Raistlin, an Xina the warrior princess (Lucy Lawless) as the voice if goldmoon.

Also, I was thinking that maybe its time we got some more players in? what do you guys think?

Know your roots!

During a Radom search for some stock images I found this, my word talk about being mugged on memory lane. Anyhow I also tried to find some clips on you tube for old times sake, all I found was the intro, but still well worth it! but really guys, I know that I'm the bastard DM from hell but even I could take a few lesions from this guy.... 'sure you can go home...after doing this....oh, you did that well I meant after you do this'.

This is the reason why anybody playing a Gnome illusionist will soon hear the words 'rocks fall, everybody dies' (if you don’t get the reference click here> > http://www.somethingpositive.net/sp05032002.shtml

had to remove the FG clip since FOX seems to be going critical and tearing down all sorce vids, found this tho for your viewing pleasure... it seems rock star are going with a new angle on the new GTA game.